the difficulty of words

 

It occurred to me, yesterday, that there are many women who don't associate their period with a miscarriage. 

I sent a message to some friends asking for prayer, as it was my due date, and my period was also due, which would be a little traumatic. One replied along the lines of - that would be sucky to get your period on a hard day. And later on as I was walking, I realised this friend did not understand that, for me, a period is how I lost my babies. Not all, some were lost in a dish. But 8 were lost through bleeding. My period was my miscarriage. 

I have always found the language we ourselves have used around IVF to be problematic. When we're updating people throughout the process, when we've lost the baby, we say 'it hasn't worked'. Some variation of 'this round didn't work' is the easiest way to let people know what is happening, but I had always hoped people would understand the process more themselves, and understand our grief. This, of course, is unfair. Everyone who goes through infertility has a different viewpoint on how they perceive things to be. For me, my embryos are my babies. Life has begun. When we watch as the specialist transfers the embryo/s back into my uterus, I am pregnant (although that TWW is an insane roller coaster of, well, insanity). Whether that baby continues to grow for only one minute or two full weeks inside my belly, it is precious to me, a treasure. It was a part of me. 

To say 'it hasn't worked', is akin to a shoulder reconstruction not doing the trick. A drain that continues to leak. It is far too difficult to translate the agony of emotion that comes after the 'I'm sorry' call. I have never been able to say, 'I lost my baby/babies'. It feels unfair and dismissive to mothers who lost their babies later on, after scans, after heartbeats, having to give birth. It feels like people won't understand - it's just an embryo, right? Most people don't even know the IVF process has happened, so to announce the news minus the knowledge of the months of pre treatment drugs, turmoil, emotion and appointments doesn't begin to convey the depth of despair. 

'It hasn't worked' is something that can be recovered from quickly.  

'I lost my baby, another baby - after years of infertility treatments, drugs and invasive procedures/surgeries' can be difficult to comprehend.