time to go

 

Tomorrow is the day our twins would have been due. Yesterday I started sorting out baby items to sell online. The moses basket, baby carrier, play mat and standing station. A bunch of other smaller items. It would be lovely to make a little bit of cash, but I'm also tempted to just donate it all, get it out of the house. I'd love to think it was being used and enjoyed by friends who need it now, but I also just want it gone. Now it's all out and spread round the house, it's a little hard to ignore. 

I imagine every mum feels a varying degree of emotion when sorting through baby items for the last time. Some probably feel relief, it's likely to be bittersweet for most. Our things are so new. Hardly used. It makes selling them on much easier - excellent condition, only used a few months. The sweet overalls for a little one seem less of a good investment when it won't be passed down 2 or three times. In a way, I'm able to distance myself from it, just shut off the emotion. It's a job that needs doing and it's good to get it ticked off the to do list. 

But as I was drifting to sleep last night after a difficult day, the thought entered my mind - you sold your babies bed today. My eyes opened, my arms moved around my middle. I felt regret. A vivid memory of the day we purchased the beautiful moses basket arrived - I was so happy, tired, excited. Once our little girl was born and home we would move the bed into our living space during the day while I recovered on the couch and she was so cosy and teeny and snug in that basket. This was, of course, during the very, very early days, when she thought it was a reasonable option to sleep during the day.

I remember the basket wedged next to my side of the bed, sewing sheets to fit it, setting it up in anticipation of our little one arriving home. And now it's gone, to a lovely lady who picked it up this afternoon.

It took a long time to get to sleep after that.