the start

 

It feels far too big to even begin, yet here we are. The first post feels too difficult to comprehend - how do I explain everything in a paragraph or two? So, I won't place that pressure on myself (or at the very least I'll do my best not to), but I shall simply begin. 

Very basic facts if you're interested, or don't know...

We've had 6 full rounds of ICSI - lost 11 little ones - have one sunshine miracle 4 year old girl - did our preliminary testing in Dundee/Perth (Scotland) and first two rounds of ICSI at Ninewells Hospital - the following four at Newcastle Private (Australia) - very low fertilisation rate - no freeze on any cycle - naturopath/chinese medicine/acupuncture/herbs/supplements/strict diet/extra shots/low tox living/massage. We lost twins in December 2020, and our last little one in June 2021.

There are no more options for us medically, and so no more options for our family to grow*. This leaves us in a new state of grief, which frankly feels insurmountable. As I gain strength and heal physically, my mind shoots to a million places - the hallway during our first transfer - the cramps during our last TWW - the hospitals - the PTSD from calls bearing bad news - the questions - and making peace with no answers. 

I would love to share exactly what our diagnoses was, if that would help you (please message me), but I'm not going to put it here. 

I remembered only the other day how I used to write blogs back in the day, and considering my most constant was called 'lovelyprettycheerythings' this here will be something of a departure - less cheery, no? But I am desperate to hear stories from those in the depths. The victorious shouts from the other side are rousing, at times fortifying. Telling tales of how they overcame. I have not overcome, not even close. 

Walk with me, if you fancy. If you are travelling through infertility, I am so sorry. If my story gives you space and validation, I am glad of that. If you are interested in infertility, I'm happy to share. And if it causes you some respite from your own grief and trauma to draw alongside me, I'm welcoming the company with open arms.

*If your mind swings to adoption, I would lovingly ask you to keep that thought in your mind. I'm very sure I'll write about this later, but for me, suggesting adoption as a fix it to infertility is like a punch to the windpipe and gut.