verses 1 - 14

 

Have you ever grown a garden, 

to mend a broken heart?

used dirt and mulch and cuttings,

to fix what burst apart?

Have you ever planted all the seeds

to leave the pain out there?

to slowly slow, to stop the bleed

with tender, loving care

I started in the middle

when I knew what was to come,

a complete and utter breaking

of the heart and every bone

Wanting beauty as my cushion

when reliably I'd fall,

I planted all the flowers

from small to lush and tall

Gardening gives you no control

the wind, the rain, the heat

yet the worth of all the sweat and toil

was worth one bloom to meet

The drugs, the bloods, the sharpest jabs,

so many in one go,

the years of waiting, weeping, failing

relationships slowly slow

'Your holiday' - I'm asked - 'Was it restful? - they say

My tummy in shades of blue

I spent it naked in hospital

and crying on the loo

I'd do it again a million times,

I'd easy do all the stuff

If only I knew I could just have you,

Any yet, it was never enough

My little ones, my treasures,

I tried to plant the seed,

to protect and tend and care for you

but my body would only bleed

The phone calls have finally, dreadfully stopped,

'I'm sorry' - I remember they'd say

But they had no idea what you meant to me 

How desperately I prayed you'd stay

It's been three months and slowly my body

is shifting back to itself,

farewell to the drugs, the hormones - the dream

is gently placed back on the shelf

It can not come down with hope infused dust,

the options for us are no more,

so close and so far, I was ready, so ready

for your presence, but now I'm just sore

Broken, so tired, like my skin has gone missing,

'How's lockdown? You just seem so calm!'

I plant flowers, more flowers, more flowers and look

to the sun for its warm, healing balm

The beauty will come of that I am sure

my tears soak enough of the ground

Will I have healed? Not likely - and yet -

the bees make a beautiful sound

N. Goring