failing

 

I read something yesterday that suggested the only thing worthwhile to share, out of any difficulty or life experience or trauma, is the story of Jesus - his love and salvation. And it made me hesitate in sharing here, because I am painfully aware of how I have failed and do fail in that area. I would love to be someone who, facing any kind of difficult battle - in the depths of despair, in the face of more bad news, with no hope on the horizon, victoriously declares God's goodness and faithfulness still. Someone who, even when life untethers, is able to remain anchored, unswayed, confident in God's redemption and kindness. Always pointing people to Jesus.

But the past 9 years have been filled with questioning, anger, bargaining and sadness. So many prayers that begin with, 'I don't understand...'. Just before I turned 30 there was a solid 6 months of exhausting wrestling with God, when we were trying to comes to terms with the fact it seemed we wouldn't have any children of our own. I needed to accept that as a possibility, because that was the reality of our situation. Yet that also meant contending with a God who, it seemed, didn't give good things. Was unmoved and unfazed by my tears, pleas and despondancy. Disinterested in my hearts desire.

I often have felt a failure in walking a difficult path. Learning that life is never 'all good' or 'all bad', and that it much more a complex combination of light and shade, often coexisting at the same time, is something I am slowly trying to master. It has often been the way that I haven't wanted to share where I'm at, because I don't know where I'm at. There is a lot of pain. There are no answers. There is no reason. Have I not learnt my lesson? This does not seem particularly captivating nor edifying. 

I do know that God is faithful in never leaving me, even in the darkest and loneliest moments. I am beyond grateful for the gift of Eilish, and will never stop thanking God for her. I often wonder, when people claim the victory of God is his redemptive ways, when things go well, turn out right, we get a 'yes', if we'd do the same in tears on the bathroom floor. I loved this written piece by Nightbirde, ''For I have seen Him in rare form. I have felt His exhale, laid in His shadow, squinted to read the message He wrote for me in the grout, ''I'm sad too''.' I don't believe God planned this for me. I do believe he knew about it. I believe God moved heaven and earth to gift Eilish to us. I believe our losses, our sadness and loneliness on the operating table break his heart too, and that is a balm for my heart. 

For now, I feel exposed, bruised, weak and foggy. I can not declare victory in circumstance, but to declare that I know God is with me, this is enough for now.