night time

 

Why did this happen? How can I profess to call God 'good', only when circumstantially things go my way, something good happens, a prayer is answered? Am I not letting go? Am I being self indulgent? Is God the God who is kind and present and gentle, or the God who has bigger, loftier, holier plans, and if I get crushed along the way then it should be understood to be for a higher cause? How do I grieve well? How do I walk the line of allowing the emotion to be present, but not overwhelm? Is God disappointed with me and how I'm handling this? Could this have been used for greater good if I'd handled it differently? How can people say that God planned this? How can I feel like this when God did answer our prayer for our daughter? How can I feel the top of the mountain joy and give thanks for her, and at the same time be absolutely devastated that this prayer isn't answered? Why do we only hear about peoples heartbreak stories when they're ok again? When they've found a way to find joy, be healed? What about the stories of heartbreak and grief that don't end well - where are those books, those testimonies? Are they too sad to hear? Do we all heal at some point? Who is saying, from the front - I am not ok, this is a mess, I am broken? Is that unacceptable as a Christian? How do I explain the distress and trauma of infertility and baby loss? Why do people feel so awkward when it enters conversation? Why do people always need to give a reason, an answer, a fix? Will I be forever changed? How do I get back to feeling ok?